Fear and Control

DT and I debriefed the holidays in session today. I told her about feeling nervous around MF at first, but how things were great except for our two fights about our failed quest to In-n-Out and meditation. She called me out. I have control issues.

I need control because when I was younger I didn't have it and bad stuff happened. I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused. I was a follower. I was so insecure from the constant judging that I started to believe all of those negative messages I heard and I became a football of others opinions and actions.

I'm starting to find myself again. I'm working on loving and appreciating myself, instead of constantly judging myself and putting myself down. I am perfect, DT says, and in my head I am already arguing with her. God loves me just the way I am, she says, and I feel so disconnected from Him.

I have a pattern. I try to control things because subconsciously I'm afraid bad things will happen if I don't. I am so hyper critical of myself that I project that on others, especially those closest to me, like MF and my mother. When I start losing control, I revert back to my childhood self... that scared, insecure, and irrational child. Sometimes she snaps and sometimes she just loses her voice and doesn't assert herself.

DT says that I need to counter every negative thought with a good one. I need to empower my inner child. Build a connection to her, nurture her, protect her, change her story. Then, I need to praise myself to undue the negative messages I carry with me. Unlearn the pattern of negativity. Let go of the past. Love myself. Live in the present. Be with God.

It seems this blog is more about my never ending quest for self love... maybe that's the truest love there is? Or maybe true love is finding a deep and lasting connection to God? No se.