First, I told a good friend (MR) that he shouldn't come unannounced and that he should try spending some time alone. He just calls and asks if I want to hang out. I'm trying to gently blow him off because I'm waiting for MF's call, but he tells me he's in the neighborhood and that he's coming over. I should have been more direct with him, but instead I let him come. Eric calls and I have to tell him that MR is here. Then MR and I have an awkward conversation where I tell him about himself.
Next, I get on the phone with MR. He's trying to tell me about his career brainstorming. All I can think is that I have had this conversation with him a million times. So, I go off about how I hate that all he cares about is money and that I want someone who is about something more. He just wanted to share and when he finally does I find it underwhelming and basically tell him it's unrealistic.
What is wrong with me? I hate being alone, yet I criticize MR for being proactive about hanging out. Then I crush MF's dreams because he is willing to take big risks and won't promise to make me the center of his universe. I think subconsciously that he is inadequate, but it's also what I think of myself. So, why judge?
I need tools for stopping this poison from escaping my lips without taking a step back, breathing, and thinking before I speak. Help.
No comments:
Post a Comment