forgiving "la chiquita"

Growing up I was "la chiquita," the little one, the baby. You would think I would have been spoiled and surrounded with attention. But with four kids and eight mouths to feed, things didn't quite turn out in my favor. My dad went straight to the TV when he cam home, my mother to the kitchen. Family time happened during dinner and sitting around the TV watching novelas (Mexican soap operas). One-on-one time was nonexistent. To top it off, I was bullied at home by my older siblings to the point that I proclaimed that I was adopted because I couldn't accept that my own flesh and blood could be so cruel.

Inevitably, I internalized all the negative messages I was hearing. I was too skinny, too short, annoying, dumb, a whitewashed gringa because my Spanish wasn't good enough, I was too dark to be pretty, I was a "volada" (attention seeker w/ a sexual connotation), a "canchada" (all over everybody), the list goes on and on. The point is I never felt good enough.

The only person who made me feel "good enough" was my uncle. He made me feel special, showered me with attention, and was always giving me compliments. He also stuck his hands inside my shirt and under my pants as he did it, but it was attention nonetheless. And I liked it. I was scared and it didn't feel right when he did it, but he was my uncle and I liked him. I trusted him. Besides, thinking it was sexual was my own dirty mind at work, right?

I blamed myself all this time. I blamed myself for not stopping it, for not telling, for liking the attention. But it was not my fault. I was a child and he the adult. I was a child. Yet I still blame myself. I'm still uber-critical of myself. I still constantly feel guilty about everything.

My therapist told me that I need to forgive not just myself, but my childhood self, "la chiquita." I need to talk to her, forgive her, and love her, so that I can give her peace and let her go.

So, here I am trying to forgive la chiquita.

I miss him today

I woke up feeling down. I couldn't get out of bed for 20 minutes. It's like I'm mourning him... even though he's only a phone call away. Even though he's willing to drop everything to be with me.

I thought about him all day. About us. How good it feels to lie on his chest as he caresses my face or plays with my hair. His beautiful smile.

I already feel empty without him. And I wonder if I'm making the right decision.

Maybe we do deserve another chance... a REAL chance.

Confusion

A wise man I met at the dentist office... or maybe a bus stop? I can't remember. I just remember he was old and Asian and wise. Anyway, he told me that if you think your in love, you're not. Because in love you do not think, you just know.

Well, I know I'm not in love. I've known in for far too long. Yet, I still find myself in this impossibly complicated long-distance relationship that never seems to end nor develop. I'm stuck. I've been waiting for something to happen for over a year now. I gave an ultimatum over a year ago. I moved for him 6 months ago!

Then my world was turned upside down by deception... and I still let him stick around. And I'm not even in love with him! What the hell is wrong with me?

Things happen for a reason. It was tough but it set me on a path of healing and self-discovery. I've made so much progress in the past six months. After my last session with my DT, I started feeling like I had been trapped in this relationship and I needed to get out. I felt like I wanted and deserved more than what I was getting with MF.

I want to be someone's number one priority. I want to feel loved. I want to be in love. I want to feel completely head over heals with someone. I want to go on dates. I want to flirt. I want to be silly and let loose with someone. I want to dance, really dance and get turned on by someone. I want to make out like in college when I was still an innocent virgin.

With MF there's just so much baggage. Too much history if you will. Then there's the new guy, the Korean cameraman. He's fun and spontaneous and totally turns me on. I want to explore that. I should explore it. If only things were that simple.

I felt so confident telling MF I wanted to move on and that I didn't think I wanted to work things out. I broke his heart. I heard it in his voice. It was awful. It took me back to the days I was the one with the broken heart asking for another shot.

Truth be told, MF is sweet. He's funny, smart, ambitious, tender... he has this way of making my heart melt. I remember thinking, no, knowing I wanted to marry him after our first conversation. How excited I was about him. I wonder if that could all come back to me if he was here. I almost want to believe his short story about having a three year old and being pregnant on our way to my parents in seven years. He has issues, but he's a good soul.

So now I'm just confused. Do I need to make a decision now though? Can I just play with the new guy and keep MF at bay until I figure it out?