There's still hope

He called at 6:30 am the other day to tell me he loved me.

I had sent him a funny "thinking of you" letter to say thanks for the great trip...and also to let him know that I really care about him. I do. He's a really good guy and a great friend. He's a really good communicator (I'm horrible) and he's not afraid to share his feelings. He's sensitive but not in an overly annoying way. He can be feisty too. And he always made an effort to do things I liked even if it wasn't in his nature to do so.

I love him. I do. And it felt so good to hear him say it.

Last night we talked for a while about our break-up. He reminded me that he was very willing to make the move to the Bay when I'm ready to leave Sacramento. And it made me feel like not giving up on us.

Our time is up

So we went on vacation together....

I was so nervous and anxious to see him. I even had butterflies in my stomach, which gave me hope that it (our love) was real. I thought it was fate when Gladdys was late and his flight landed early, so that I got the chance to kiss him before he took off to Vegas for his bff's bachelor party.

It felt good that he checked in the first day... even if he did call at 4 am.

The weekend was great. I spent 4th of July on the beach in Santa Monica with my Oxy girls and celebrated TZ's birthday. Then took off to San Diego with BFF.

But he didn't continue checking in. I remember going up and down. Feeling upset that he wasn't calling or texting and then making excuses for him like he was too busy or maybe hesitant given our situation.

I kept praying for a sign. A sign to tell me if he was it or not. If I should keep fighting for us or give up. A sign to let me know if I was in love with him or if it was the comfort of having someone that I didn't want to lose.

Something was different when I saw him again. I was different.

We had a nice time together. We had a spa day. I helped him on his speech the night before the wedding. We danced. He kept singing "Guadalajara, Guadalajara" all week, so I bought him a song at the Plaza de los Mariachi's (which was a ghetto little alley my cousins later told me was NOT the place to hear good mariachi). Puerto Vallarta was relaxing. We had fun with the boogie boards. He met my cousins and my Tia Coco.

It was nice. But it wasn't romantic. We held hands and kissed... but they weren't the passionate kisses that leave your lips tingling and your body full of electric currants. I didn't want to rip his clothes off. I didn't want him.

I didn't have an epiphany or see a sign. I just realized that we weren't in love anymore. We love each other, we have fun together, we get along great, but we're not in love.

Maybe it was the distance. Maybe it just isn't meant to be. All I know is now is not our time.

In limbo

I am so confused. We went back and forth yesterday about taking the trip to Mexico. Talking about what this break-up really meant. You told me you were hopeful we would get back together...that you'd "seriously consider" moving to the Bay if I did so. You called me last night, in the middle of the night, telling me you wanted to "make it work."

But when I asked you what you meant by that, you said that "part of you" wanted to make it work and another part of you is "unsure". And then you don't call, or text, or email.

You ask why I say I'm "in limbo"?

I don't know whether we're going to work things out or not, whether I'm going to your bff's wedding next Friday, whether I want to go to Mexico with you, whether I want to be with you! I don't know in what direction my life is going!

I had it all planned out. I would stay here until June. Move to NYC. We'd get engaged by winter and say our vows sometime the following summer. Kids would follow a few years later. And we'd be in happily ever after.

Now the fantasy 's shattered and I'm not sure it can be pieced back together.