So we were Gchatting today and he asks, "so when do you think we'll get back together?" Then later on he asks "When we get back together, you know how long it's gonna be for?" and answers "siempre!"

It makes things so much more confusing. I go from being mad at him and feeling sad because he hasn't called all afternoon to thinking that maybe it will all work out when he reminds me how he feels about me. Then I start over-analyzing our relationship: it's not perfect therefore he's not "the one."

How can I get myself to stop having unrealistic expectations? He is such a great man! He's so sweet and attentive. He's smart, motivated, and has a great career. We share a lot of the same values and interests. I just don't know.

I don't want to be one of those women obsessed with getting married and and starting a family. But at the same time I feel like I'm ready for that. At least ready to move towards that.

How does one recover from fairytale syndrome?!

Not settling

I received a compilation of my good friend Taz's poetry, "Secret Confessions: The Chapbook," in the mail today. I felt like her first poem was written just for me. It's what I needed to hear.

I'm afraid of never finding "the one"... of never falling in love again... of settling.

I remember praying last year. Asking God to send me a good man that would love me, that could take care of me, that was sweet and caring. God answered my prayers. He sent me MF. MF is all of those things and more.

I realized something though. I forgot to ask God to send me passion. I forgot to ask Him to send me a good man that would make my knees shake and my heart tremble.

Sometimes I think I'm too picky. That the things I asked for are more important than passion in the long-run. That I should be grateful. That this is as good as it gets. What if it's just me? After all, when I first met MF I did have butterflies and the thought of him did send electric currants through my body.

Then I think no. No, I shouldn't settle. He shouldn't settle. God wouldn't want us to settle. We deserve love and happiness. God has a plan. I just have to be patient.

There's still hope

He called at 6:30 am the other day to tell me he loved me.

I had sent him a funny "thinking of you" letter to say thanks for the great trip...and also to let him know that I really care about him. I do. He's a really good guy and a great friend. He's a really good communicator (I'm horrible) and he's not afraid to share his feelings. He's sensitive but not in an overly annoying way. He can be feisty too. And he always made an effort to do things I liked even if it wasn't in his nature to do so.

I love him. I do. And it felt so good to hear him say it.

Last night we talked for a while about our break-up. He reminded me that he was very willing to make the move to the Bay when I'm ready to leave Sacramento. And it made me feel like not giving up on us.

Our time is up

So we went on vacation together....

I was so nervous and anxious to see him. I even had butterflies in my stomach, which gave me hope that it (our love) was real. I thought it was fate when Gladdys was late and his flight landed early, so that I got the chance to kiss him before he took off to Vegas for his bff's bachelor party.

It felt good that he checked in the first day... even if he did call at 4 am.

The weekend was great. I spent 4th of July on the beach in Santa Monica with my Oxy girls and celebrated TZ's birthday. Then took off to San Diego with BFF.

But he didn't continue checking in. I remember going up and down. Feeling upset that he wasn't calling or texting and then making excuses for him like he was too busy or maybe hesitant given our situation.

I kept praying for a sign. A sign to tell me if he was it or not. If I should keep fighting for us or give up. A sign to let me know if I was in love with him or if it was the comfort of having someone that I didn't want to lose.

Something was different when I saw him again. I was different.

We had a nice time together. We had a spa day. I helped him on his speech the night before the wedding. We danced. He kept singing "Guadalajara, Guadalajara" all week, so I bought him a song at the Plaza de los Mariachi's (which was a ghetto little alley my cousins later told me was NOT the place to hear good mariachi). Puerto Vallarta was relaxing. We had fun with the boogie boards. He met my cousins and my Tia Coco.

It was nice. But it wasn't romantic. We held hands and kissed... but they weren't the passionate kisses that leave your lips tingling and your body full of electric currants. I didn't want to rip his clothes off. I didn't want him.

I didn't have an epiphany or see a sign. I just realized that we weren't in love anymore. We love each other, we have fun together, we get along great, but we're not in love.

Maybe it was the distance. Maybe it just isn't meant to be. All I know is now is not our time.

In limbo

I am so confused. We went back and forth yesterday about taking the trip to Mexico. Talking about what this break-up really meant. You told me you were hopeful we would get back together...that you'd "seriously consider" moving to the Bay if I did so. You called me last night, in the middle of the night, telling me you wanted to "make it work."

But when I asked you what you meant by that, you said that "part of you" wanted to make it work and another part of you is "unsure". And then you don't call, or text, or email.

You ask why I say I'm "in limbo"?

I don't know whether we're going to work things out or not, whether I'm going to your bff's wedding next Friday, whether I want to go to Mexico with you, whether I want to be with you! I don't know in what direction my life is going!

I had it all planned out. I would stay here until June. Move to NYC. We'd get engaged by winter and say our vows sometime the following summer. Kids would follow a few years later. And we'd be in happily ever after.

Now the fantasy 's shattered and I'm not sure it can be pieced back together.

Another Failed Relationship

We met at the university bar and my favorite hangout spot. I had seen him a few times before (he was a friend of a friend) but we had never been formally introduced. There he was standing next to Mario at James' station. I went over to say hi. After brief introductions and a free drink compliments of James (an old college friend and bartender), he turns to me and asks "So, why aren't you married?" He said it in a curious, flirtatious sort of way... insinuating what a great catch I was. I was completely floored. We talked all night about what we were looking for in a partner, in life. It was magical. I never felt so strongly about someone after one conversation. He walked me to me car and I went to bed dreaming of our life together. The next few weeks I was walking on clouds telling all my friends that I was going to marry him...that I had found "the one."

Our relationship was probably doomed from the start but I was too blind to see it. The first time we talked on the phone was on Valentine's Day. He was on a date yet answered the phone.

Another big clue: we live on different coasts. I shoulda known.

Still, when he offered to fly me out to DC to visit him after he found out he landed a job with a top NYC firm, I let my desire to find true love trump reason. From there things moved pretty fast. We decided not to see other people. We spent about a month in LA together. I was finishing up grad school, he was on his last summer break before starting work. It was great. He met my family at graduation. We set up a flight schedule to see each other every four weeks or so.

We went through so much together. Learned painful truths about our pasts that deeply hurt. He was at my hospital bed when I got Malaria from my trip to Brazil. I tried to be there for him as he coped with being alone in a big city. A year passed by and we were still going.

It's strange, something happens after being with someone for a year. It's like all of a sudden we start getting restless. We start focusing on the negative, nit-picking, arguing about nothing. He irritated me so much sometimes, as I must have irritated him. And when you live 3,000 miles away from each other and only see each other once a month, you start wondering if it's worth it. I wondered what I was doing. Questioned whether he was right for me. But pushed those thoughts out of my head when I thought of the investment I had put into this relationship...all my hopes and dreams of a happily ever after.

Then it happened. All of a sudden. We talked about how the distance was becoming an insurmountable obstacle. How our love couldn't grow our bond could not become tighter without being in the same city. How we cared deeply for each other but were unwilling to leave everything behind to be with one another. How could we? We both just started our careers.

And so it ends. Two weeks before his best friend's wedding in LA and our vacation in Mexico, where he was supposed to meet my extended family.

And my ass agrees to still go to the wedding and go on vacation with him. What am I thinking!?! Closure? Ugh! Maybe it's that it's easier to go than do all the explaining at work and to friends and family. I dread it.

That's the worst part. Telling everyone that it's over. Getting all the unwanted pity. Telling my boss never mind, I don't want the 2-months unpaid leave to spend time with him in NYC. Telling my parents who are itching for a proposal. Removing all the pictures in my house. Getting out in the market again. The thought of it makes me sick.

I thought 3rd times a charm....guess not.