He comforts me in a way that no one else can. My heart flutters when I say "te quiero" and he answers with "I love you." And I believe him. I believe him when he promises to be patient with my mood swings, console me when I'm down and calm me when I'm angry or frustrated.

MF:

Here is my heart

yours for the taking

Wounded and delicate

in your hands it feels strong

Open it with care

cautiously and with patience

Fill it with your love

and forever it shall be sealed

Angry and insentitive

I get so angry sometimes. I just get into foul moods and am so poisonous I can't even stand myself. I messed up twice today.

First, I told a good friend (MR) that he shouldn't come unannounced and that he should try spending some time alone. He just calls and asks if I want to hang out. I'm trying to gently blow him off because I'm waiting for MF's call, but he tells me he's in the neighborhood and that he's coming over. I should have been more direct with him, but instead I let him come. Eric calls and I have to tell him that MR is here. Then MR and I have an awkward conversation where I tell him about himself.

Next, I get on the phone with MR. He's trying to tell me about his career brainstorming. All I can think is that I have had this conversation with him a million times. So, I go off about how I hate that all he cares about is money and that I want someone who is about something more. He just wanted to share and when he finally does I find it underwhelming and basically tell him it's unrealistic.

What is wrong with me? I hate being alone, yet I criticize MR for being proactive about hanging out. Then I crush MF's dreams because he is willing to take big risks and won't promise to make me the center of his universe. I think subconsciously that he is inadequate, but it's also what I think of myself. So, why judge?

I need tools for stopping this poison from escaping my lips without taking a step back, breathing, and thinking before I speak. Help.

Fear and Control

DT and I debriefed the holidays in session today. I told her about feeling nervous around MF at first, but how things were great except for our two fights about our failed quest to In-n-Out and meditation. She called me out. I have control issues.

I need control because when I was younger I didn't have it and bad stuff happened. I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused. I was a follower. I was so insecure from the constant judging that I started to believe all of those negative messages I heard and I became a football of others opinions and actions.

I'm starting to find myself again. I'm working on loving and appreciating myself, instead of constantly judging myself and putting myself down. I am perfect, DT says, and in my head I am already arguing with her. God loves me just the way I am, she says, and I feel so disconnected from Him.

I have a pattern. I try to control things because subconsciously I'm afraid bad things will happen if I don't. I am so hyper critical of myself that I project that on others, especially those closest to me, like MF and my mother. When I start losing control, I revert back to my childhood self... that scared, insecure, and irrational child. Sometimes she snaps and sometimes she just loses her voice and doesn't assert herself.

DT says that I need to counter every negative thought with a good one. I need to empower my inner child. Build a connection to her, nurture her, protect her, change her story. Then, I need to praise myself to undue the negative messages I carry with me. Unlearn the pattern of negativity. Let go of the past. Love myself. Live in the present. Be with God.

It seems this blog is more about my never ending quest for self love... maybe that's the truest love there is? Or maybe true love is finding a deep and lasting connection to God? No se.

Another sad goodbye

Again, just when we're comfortable and really enjoying each other, he's gone. It was good times like always... with little fights here and there. I can never stay mad at him for more than 5-10 minutes and by the next day I can't even remember why I got angry. There were lot's of laughs, cuddling, singing, passionate love-making sessions.

We kissed goodbye at the airport. I watched him start the security process. He looked at me before he handed over his driver's license and we both stuck our tongues out at each other at the same time and chuckled. Then my eyes got all watery. I had to turn away for a second. I blew him a kiss and a peace sign as he started putting his stuff on the conveyor belt and walked back to my car.

My bed feels cold without him. Like every time he leaves, I'll wake up looking for him, half expecting he's just on the other side of the bed or in the bathroom. But he won't be. I'll get a text at 4:00 am telling me he landed safely and I'll have to wait another 6 weeks to see him. It makes my stomach churn.

my values

New homework assignment... write down my values:

I believe in being a good person.... someone who treats others with respect, who helps those in need, who tries to make this world a better place and does it humbly.

I believe in recognizing your privilege and using it to give back to others without your privilege.

I believe that education is the great equalizer. Thus, we should provide the best educational opportunities to children from underprivileged families. I also believe in encouraging others to improve their lives by taking advantage of the educational opportunities available in this country.

I believe in love.

I believe in God.

No one likes a complainer

I didn't have much tact when I told MF about his personal statement. I didn't like it. It wasn't compelling and didn't flow. I've done this before I must confess, many times. I've actually asked him if I am mean. He says I'm not but I think he's just saying that.

I think I am mean and overly critical. I tend to want to control things and can get quite bossy. My brother pointed it out today over some stupid iphone game. "Me estas regañado" (you're scolding me) he told me gently, and I was.

It made me think about how I had scolded MF about his personal statement earlier today. How I have criticized him for not being outgoing enough, or for not pursuing a noble career. In my head I have even more criticism: not a good kisser, not articulate enough, not funny enough, not sexy enough, too frugal, too into money, etc. etc.

I think back at my past relationships and a memory pops back in my head that makes my stomach turn... an ex-boyfriend telling me how much I complain about him and about everything all the time. He was right. I've tried to catch myself but I slip far too often. Nothing is ever good enough and I am not good enough either.

I wish I could accept situations and people as they are. It's hard for me, however. And I know that any man will get tired of it. He will get tired of it. So, how can I stop?

forgiving "la chiquita"

Growing up I was "la chiquita," the little one, the baby. You would think I would have been spoiled and surrounded with attention. But with four kids and eight mouths to feed, things didn't quite turn out in my favor. My dad went straight to the TV when he cam home, my mother to the kitchen. Family time happened during dinner and sitting around the TV watching novelas (Mexican soap operas). One-on-one time was nonexistent. To top it off, I was bullied at home by my older siblings to the point that I proclaimed that I was adopted because I couldn't accept that my own flesh and blood could be so cruel.

Inevitably, I internalized all the negative messages I was hearing. I was too skinny, too short, annoying, dumb, a whitewashed gringa because my Spanish wasn't good enough, I was too dark to be pretty, I was a "volada" (attention seeker w/ a sexual connotation), a "canchada" (all over everybody), the list goes on and on. The point is I never felt good enough.

The only person who made me feel "good enough" was my uncle. He made me feel special, showered me with attention, and was always giving me compliments. He also stuck his hands inside my shirt and under my pants as he did it, but it was attention nonetheless. And I liked it. I was scared and it didn't feel right when he did it, but he was my uncle and I liked him. I trusted him. Besides, thinking it was sexual was my own dirty mind at work, right?

I blamed myself all this time. I blamed myself for not stopping it, for not telling, for liking the attention. But it was not my fault. I was a child and he the adult. I was a child. Yet I still blame myself. I'm still uber-critical of myself. I still constantly feel guilty about everything.

My therapist told me that I need to forgive not just myself, but my childhood self, "la chiquita." I need to talk to her, forgive her, and love her, so that I can give her peace and let her go.

So, here I am trying to forgive la chiquita.